||[Jan. 1st, 2011|04:31 am]
well despite the whole "school" thing ive been ok. no self harm since october 14th :) which is a good thing. hopefully i can go awhile without it. its childish to do but yet at the same time it feels so good when im really depressed. but i havent been really depressed in awhile so thats good. me and jack are good. great i should say. its new years and im at work which im kinda bummed about. we have our own place and i cant even be home with jack. blah! but as jack would say its no big deal its just another nite its not like this year was anything to celebrate about. which is so true. it kinda sucked. but i would have loved to get drunk and celebrate moving out and celebrate a new year to fix all the wrong shit that happened in 2010. i cant believe its 2011 and i graduated from high school in 2003 and i have nothing to show for myself. isnt that pathetic? im stuck here at work for a double tonite then another double tomorrow nite and then back again sunday nite. thats 40 hours from friday to sunday. thats DEF pathetic. but hey we need the money so i guess i shouldnt be complaining. i really wanna get engaged but the ring i want is $325 a month for 5 months and we DEF cant afford that right now. which sucks cuz theres just something about being engaged that is reassuring and secure. jack and i will be together for 5 years this coming april. we've had some really rocky moments but in the end we survived and are VERY happy now. we both need better jobs and we need to make more money so we can move into a bigger place next year and also so we can get engaged and save money. if my parents move to lancaster next year like they said they were doing maybe we can move there. thats always an idea in the back of my head. which would be perfect cuz our lease is up january 31st of 2012. my parents wana move by next december which would work out. i duno guess im talking fantasy here. i just wish things were easier and there was no struggling month to month cuz it just plain sucks! and x mas just passed and that was difficult but we made it through. just like we'll make it through this month to month shit. one day things will be easier. just like i say one day i will be a nurse. i dont know when that one day will be but hopefully it will be soon and this year things will be better than last year. thats what i hope for.